Teaching your tween daughter healthy boundaries in relationships

My oldest daughter just turned 11 and we are in full on tween mode over here and it can be a bit of a roller coaster.

This is such a pivotal time in a girl’s life. It’s well known that girls start puberty a couple years before boys and that in the years before full puberty starts, their hormones begin ramping up in preparation. This can cause mood swings, and it is documented that it’s a time females begin to experience more negative emotions compared to their male counterparts, much of it can be in the form of anxiety. There’s biological reasons for this that I won’t get too into the weeds on but it’s purpose is theorized as an adaptive mechanism to help women protect their young children and babies.

So take a bunch of girls going through that change at slightly different times and add to it the fact that developmentally they are starting to pull away from their parents influences (not completely, parents still have the most influence on their kids at this point) and move more towards their peers and you have the “hot mess” of pre teen drama.

Ideally, your daughter is from a mentally healthy starting point going in, with parents who have modeled what healthy relationships look like, but that’s definitely not always the case and it won’t be the case for some of their peers.

This is when kids can fall into some unhealthy or even downright toxic friendships. And I’m not even blaming the person. These are still just kids and if they’ve learned some unhealthy behaviors or haven’t had unconditional love or have had chaos or…or…or the list goes on and on.

This is why I think it’s important for parents to monitor their kids social media or texts if they have phones. My 11 year old uses facebook messenger which is not perfect by any means but I like that I get to see in real time every message that is sent to her, and I can get on there immediately and see what she’s sending. And there have been times when I’ve seen something come through and I’m able to tell her that she needs to stop responding and take a break so that things can cool down.

To complicate things MORE, the part of the brain that help’s control our reactions is not fully developed until age 25!! So when their emotions get really high, they really have a very hard time NOT reacting in a highly emotional state. That’s why I love the movie Inside Out, it really illustrates what’s happening in the brain when our emotions take the drivers seat.

As adults, we should have the ability when we feel ourselves getting really angry to step away, take a deep breath, go for a walk, etc to try to get our emotions out of the drivers seat and think clearly before we respond. Toxic people won’t like that, by the way. They will usually try to keep you in the heightened emotional state because they can exploit it for their benefit and use your emotional reactions to point out how “crazy, angry, emotional, unstable” you are.

The fact that many of our kid’s interactions with friends is happening online rather than face to face further complicates these things. You can’t read tone over text, and many times people will say things through text or online that they would never say to the person’s face.

So this is where my experience with my dad has helped me to better prepare my kids for difficult relationships they will encounter. I’ve learned so much about healthy relationships and unhealthy relationships and wish I would have known so much of this when I was younger and navigating these things through trial and error and great heartbreak. But at least I can help my kids. I can model healthy relationships to them and talk to them honestly about these things.

So first of all, I’ve taught kids from a very young age some basic truths for their own protection.

No one should ever threaten or bribe them or ask them to keep a bad secret.

It’s pretty obvious about the secret keeping and why we want to teach them that it’s never ok when someone asks you to keep a bad secret, even if they are an adult. Even an adult they know and trust.

Threatening, I explained is someone telling you, “if you don’t do (whatever it is they want from you), then I won’t be your friend anymore, won’t let you come to my party, won’t give you what you want, will tell the whole school you…, will tell someone what you said about her, will tell on you, etc.” I’ve told my kids that this is threatening and it’s not what a good friend would do.

Bribery then would be someone offering to give you something in return for you giving them something you don’t want to give. It could be their friendship, a status, etc.

When they were little, we practiced different scenarios so that they could get used to telling people no and feeling good about it.

But healthy relationships should mostly feel good to be in. While all relationships can go through conflict from time to time (and the closer the relationship, the greater chance for conflict to arise) but in general, the relationship should make you feel happy to be around that person. But also, you should feel happy about that relationship when you’re not physically with the person too. And if you start to notice you’re NOT mostly happy either being with or away from this person, that’s a red flag you should watch out for.

So I’ll give an example of something I noticed with my daughter and one of her best friends. She’s had this friend for years. Conflicts came up occasionally but for the most part, they enjoyed each other’s company’s and it was a good relationship.

Things changed quite dramatically in the last year. Her friend started not coming around as much, which in turn made my daughter want to see her even more. I started to watch my daughter’s demeanor totally change when this girl wouldn’t play with her and also didn’t seem to care too much about it or about my daughter’s feelings.

My daughter got stuck in this cycle where the friend would pull away and my daughter would be very distraught. She wondered what she had done or why this friend who was over just about every day was suddenly always busy with other friends or just didn’t feel like playing anymore. Then suddenly the friend would appear again, they would play together and my daughter felt like it was old times again and felt really good, only to have the friend pull away again.

It creates this addictive cycle because my daughter gets a dose of dopamine when this friend is around that makes her feel good, then she feels upset, sad, rejected when the friend pulls away, then she gets the dopamine hit again and it keeps her coming back for more. She doesn’t even realize it’s happening.

Sadly, I understand this cycle all too well. Like I said, I wish I had known these things when I was growing up. I spent a LOT of time in cycles like this myself, until at some point the bad feeling’s finally overrule any good feelings associated when the person gives you the time of day again. And then afterwards, when you do a postmortem on the relationship, you wonder what exactly it was about the person you found so appealing in the first place. And the answer is nothing. You were simply just chasing the dopamine. It’s very much an addiction. Science has proved, people can become addicted to love. It’s not always romantic love either, friendships, especially for females can become caught up in these unhealthy addiction patterns.

So I talked to my daughter about what it is that she likes so much about this friend. We talked about what makes someone a good friend. Does this friend possess those qualities? Ultimately, she realized this person was not really acting like a good friend to her anymore. And she still had fun with her when they were together, but the way she disregarded her was becoming really hard for my daughter to handle. And eventually it was creating resentment in my daughter for this other person.

I know this other girl well, and I honestly don’t think she’s trying to hurt my daughter. She’s got some things going on in her life that are very hard to deal with. It’s not her fault. I care deeply for her and always will. Yet it doesn’t mean that my daughter should have to be treated like a doormat.

I tried helping her talk to the girl. How to express her feelings to this friend in a respectful way when she was not emotionally charged. But this girl was clearly not in a place to hear her and it went terribly bad. So my daughter took a break for a few days and then she and the other girl talked to each other and both apologized but things didn’t really change after that.

So I had to get honest with my daughter. Her friend has shown what kind of friend she can be, and while my daughter may want her to change, she’s not going to. Things are probably never going to go back to the way they were. So my daughter has a choice to make. She can accept that this girl is going to continue to reject her regularly and get herself into a place where it’s not going to bother her and just be content with the times they play together and enjoy those for what they are. Or she can decide that she wants something more than her friend can give and move on from the relationship. I told her I support her either way.

I went through this with my dad. I finally got to this point where I realized he was not going to change. He was showing me who he was and I needed to believe him. Just because I wanted him to be the dad I wanted him to be was not going to make it so. And further, I realized it was not something lacking in me that made him treat me the way he did, but rather something lacking in him. And it’s a painful truth but also freeing. I ultimately decided I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who treated me the way he did anymore. Other times I’ve made the other choice. Some relationships you can keep at an arm’s length and have a good time when you see the person but you don’t hope for the person to care about you the way you would ideally like.

Neither choice is an easy one. Letting go of relationships that have become unhealthy is hard. Staying in a relationship that’s one sided or where the other person just can’t care about you the way you want is also hard. Over time though, it gets easier and easier to just expect that person to be who they are and you find their actions no longer hurt you or have any bearing on your emotions. These relationships by definition cannot be close relationships. They become sort of superficial. That’s not always a bad thing either. We can very much enjoy the company and have fun with friends at this level, not expecting anything more.

And, putting some relationships on the superficial level allows you to really invest in the healthy relationships more.

My daughter is still trying to navigate how she wants this relationship to go. In the meantime, I’ve encouraged her to invest in the relationships she has that are healthy. Where the other person wants to spend time with you just as much as you want to spend time with them. Where they care about your feelings and wellbeing.

I’ve also encouraged her to find healthy ways to cope with the stresses she’s been experiencing. I’ve seen her confidence soar. I’ve seen her growing in these other relationships and having fun.

When girls are this age, social issues can really become an issue they fixate upon and they are unable to enjoy the world around them when they’re so upset. Helping them to find ways to deal with their feelings can help them to see that even though this issue is upsetting, it doesn’t have to rule their lives.

And while she may wish for her friend to change, she can’t change her but she can pray for her. Teaching her to pray for those that hurt her is a great way to show love and teach her compassion.

The Frosty Morning Run

It’s been a weird December in Michigan. As a runner, I’m not one to ever complain about lack of snow in winter. Usually by this time of year I’ve begrudgingly done some treadmill runs as well as runs in below 0 conditions and even in windy, cold blizzards where my eyelashes and eyebrows grow snowflakes (seriously).

It’s just been a bit unusual that my kids have been on winter break and we haven’t gone sledding or skiing or built a snowman or gone for a beautiful winter hike. In fact, many of the hiking trails are really muddy right now.

So this morning when I looked out the window and saw the ground was covered in frost, I was so excited to get out there for my run! I love the frosty morning runs with sunshine maybe the best of all my winter runs.

Frost forms when the air temperature freezes to the dew point and ice crystals grow on exposed surfaces. It’s like the earth is covered in a blanket of ice. When it hits the suns rays and you’re running or walking, all the visible colors in the light spectrum are reflected and it creates this magical sparkling effect.

As I ran along, I stopped to snap some quick photos of the icy landscapes and the crystals growing on some grass.

The first part of my run was through the country. Wide open fields covered in icy crystals made the farm cat that much more visible as she hunted field mice. My dog Rocky and I passed some cows eating some hay just outside their barn. As we ran by, I called by to them and they stopped eating and moved over to the fence to get a closer look at us. I never really thought of cows as curious but they certainly seemed curious about us as we passed.

Next we arrived at the dog park and ran on the trails that creep by a river off a ravine with amazing views. We finally turned around and the sun was higher in the sky now. It was starting ti melt some of the frost and the steam was visible as it rose up into the air. The frost was now only visible in the shadows, showcasing the amazing power of the sun.

The melted frost was now little water droplets, little perfect globules sticking to the branches. Some wind blew through the trees and some of the droplets rained down on me.

After many cloudy, rainy days the sun was such a welcome sight and I ran all the way back with my face to it. I captured a few more photos of some of the frost still covering some weeds with the sun and dew in the background.

It almost looks web like or celestial in this skeleton of a plant

Capturing some of the colors in the suns rays with the prisms created by the moisture

Going back home I felt refreshed and invigorated, ready for the day! I highly recommend going for a run or a walk on a sunny, frosty morning. You won’t regret it!

Conversations with your kids about addiction

Yesterday I was stressed out. Like so many of us this time of year, our schedules are packed, there’s class Christmas parties and spirit week and teacher gifts and don’t forget the bus drivers, the mail person, etc. So when I could feel the tension in my voice as I snapped at my kids, I said, “I think I need to go for my run now.”

It might seem counterintuitive to take time to go for a run when your “to-do” list is a mile long, but I’ve learned it’s necessary.

After my half marathon I took a planned week long break from running. I’ve also learned that this is crucial to help prevent unplanned breaks. Anyway, I had high hopes, figuring I’d get so much done if I didn’t spend all that time running. As with most things, reality and our expectations often don’t line up. And two days in I realized I needed to at least get out for a 30 minute walk.

So yesterday when I started getting ready for my run, my 10 year old daughter asked if she could come with me. I was ecstatic. I had been hoping she might want to, but I didn’t want to ask her because I don’t ever want to put pressure on her. I want it to be what she wants. This is something I worry about because when I grew up, I felt that pressure, to perform, to be the athlete, to make the family proud.

The great thing about running with your kids is it gives you an opportunity to talk without the distractions of home and siblings that often make deep, meaningful conversations hard.

And the topic of addiction came up naturally. I wasn’t planning on it, and often when these things come up we’re not planning on them and so we don’t have time to prepare beforehand about what we need to say. That’s ok though because I think it’s more natural when it happens organically.

When I was a kid, I was aware that my dad had an addiction to alcohol. He had always explained it as a disease he had called addiction. That his brain was wired differently, and one sip of alcohol was all it took for him to not be able to stop.

As I’ve grown, I’ve challenged his view, and it’s definitely not settled science by any means. I no longer think of addiction as a disease myself, that doesn’t mean that others can’t have their own views, but I just found this view to be too narrow and also problematic. For one thing, I had heard there was an alcoholic gene and, fearing that I myself might possess it because of my dad, I was absolutely terrified to ever have my first drink. Not saying that was a bad thing for me personally, but I don’t want my kids to think it’s this black or white thing, they either inherited this “gene” or they didn’t. It’s not that simple.

So I explained this to my daughter, who struggles with anxiety. “You know your anxiety? How sometimes you just have this feeling of unease and these thoughts that you can’t make go away, that make you feel kind of bad inside?”

She knew exactly what I was talking about.

“Well, alcohol can make all those negative feelings go away, temporarily. And it can be a huge relief for people. To get a break from that feeling. But the thing is, it’s only temporary. As soon as the alcohol wears off, all those feelings come right back, and sometimes even stronger than they were before. And oftentimes, the person did some things they’re not proud of, so then they often have problems that grow bigger and bigger. So then they don’t want to deal with it, so they just get drunk again. And the cycle repeats over and over again, and their life just keeps spiraling out of control.”

I want to be honest with my kids about addiction. Explain to them why people like it. I think that helps to understand why people get addicted. Because someday my kids are going to drink. And I want them to know it will feel good, so they are prepared for that.

I don’t think addiction is a disease like my dad does. I think sometimes the underlying anxiety or depression can have a genetic link. And I know my oldest daughter has that anxiety. I know it because I have it too. I think people with these tendencies tend to be the same people who end up addicted. I explained to her that the alcohol is like putting a bandaid on an open wound. It may hide it, but it’s not really doing anything to fix the problem.

My dad was never able to cope with stress. Even small stresses. He always felt like the world was against him. I want to be open and honest with my kids about what I think addiction really is. And that anyone can fall prey into it given the right set of circumstances. I remember feeling such relief after my first experience with alcohol realizing I must not have the alcoholic gene. This too, can be problematic thinking.

As an adult, I know stress is a constant in life. It happens to everyone. I also know that when I am stressed, I have to have tools in my toolbox to deal with it without drinking.

I don’t have time in my schedule to run as much as I do. I MAKE time in my schedule to run. Sometimes I feel guilty about it. I see other moms that seem to have it all together-and realize that I could probably have one of those completely clean, organized homes if I didn’t run so much. The thing I’ve learned though is that when I spend so much time and effort cleaning and organizing, within a few days (if even that long) it’s like I didn’t do anything. At least spending my time running, I’m coming back a more happy, patient mom and I’m doing something for my health that isn’t so easily undone.

As a good friend (who’s kids are now young adults) reminded me recently, I’ll have time later to get these things done, but I’ll never get this time back with my kids.

My kids see me reaching into this toolbox when I’m stressed out, going for a run, coming back ready to tackle the day with more patience and grace.

I listened to my daughter’s questions and answered them honestly. I want her to always know that I’m going to tell her the truth, because I want to be her source of information. If I act like these topics are too difficult, or that her questions are burdensome, she’ll stop asking. There’s no perfect way to talk to kids about these subjects, but I think being open and honest with them, and just being there, go a very long way at breaking generational patterns of avoiding, shame and fuzzy stories to try to cover for the addict.

She sees me running or walking when I feel overwhelmed and I talk about it. Now, running is not the only tool in my toolbox to deal with stress and anxiety. I’ve definitely been through situations where running was not enough. I’ve anchored my identity on my faith in God, and so that fills up the void, or the God sized hole in our hearts that we try to fill with all kinds of things (as said by an atheist). My kids have been raised with this foundation. However, I think it’s a huge misconception to think that people of faith don’t struggle still with anxiety, depression, stress, etc.

God gave us these tools. There is nothing wrong with praying and also running or going to therapy or whatever tools you have in your toolbox.

Besides running when I’m stressed, I know I need to often log off of social media, not watch the news that’s specifically made to create fear to get us to keep tuning in. I know I need to avoid certain types of people when I’m already stressed out. I know I have certain people I can talk to. I know I need to prioritize sleep and relaxation. I know that if I’m really stressed out or going through something difficult, I need to avoid alcohol, because I always have that fear as the daughter of an addict that if I start drinking when I’m stressed or upset, that I could easily fall prey too. And I want my kids to know this. I don’t want them to be too fearful of drinking, or to feel relieved if they find themselves not immediately addicted. I want them to know that addiction can creep up on anyone if they leave the door open to it. I want to help my kids build up their toolbox and also know they can always talk to me about whatever their facing, and that we’ll face it together. That their mom is not so caught up in her own problems that theirs are too burdensome.

The half marathon that wasn’t

I ran a half marathon today…sort of.

I haven’t had a great half marathon since I had kids nearly 11 years ago. My priorities have changed considerably since having kids but I still love racing. I still love pushing myself as hard as I can and seeing what I’m capable of. I love running, regardless of whether I have a race planned, but having a race planned keeps me through the tough days and gives me something to focus on.

I started training for this half once my youngest started preschool in mid September. I do a slower build up these days because I’ve learned from injury in the past. So I needed the full 10 weeks or so to get in shape to be able to run the time I wanted.

I had one really terrible workout early on that I think was a combination of dehydration and lack of confidence, but the rest of my hard workouts went really well. They were hard- some of them, very hard but I did them with the exception of just that one.

I did many of my long runs in the rain and I touched it out, knowing it would all be worth it. And I got in shape. And I saw what I was still capable of at 40 years old. And, I love it. I love the hard work. I love pushing myself right up to that edge of my limits of my abilities and seeing how close I can get. I love the feel of having tired muscles. I love the sweat, the sucking in air, the mentally pushing yourself to keep going when your body wants you to stop. I even did one of my hard workouts with a migraine. I somehow finished the workout without feeling bad and then about a mile into my cool down the headache and nausea hit.

So by the time you get to the start of a race, you’ve already had quite the adventure. You’ve learned some things about yourself. There were so many times during workouts my pace would suddenly slow and I learned to trust my body more than my watch. Sure enough, 30 seconds later, my watch would recalibrate and I was back on pace.

No matter what happens before that actual race on your calendar, the work you put in is never wasted. You still exercised your body and improved your health physically and also mentally.

The race started off well enough. I found myself going out too fast and having to purposefully slow down that first mile. Eventually I settled in behind this guy with red socks, yellow cap, long beard. A few times I passed him and then shortly after he passed me. We ticked off the next couple miles perfectly on pace so I decided it would be good for me to work with him. Sometimes in these races I end up alone. It’s harder that way because it’s more like a training run. The point of having a race is that there are people around you that can push you to go faster than you would go by yourself. Runners appreciate this comradery. Especially when it’s a man I’m running with because we are not really competitors.

We hit mile 3 and this woman passed us. She was the first woman now in the race. We saw the motorcycle leading the men leader coming back at us, and I saw mile marker #4 for the way back, then suddenly, the woman ahead of us turned around. There was no volunteer or even cones or marks on the sidewalk to designate that this was the turn around. So the guy I had been running with and I looked at each other confused and followed her-figuring she knew what she was doing?

I was going to try to check my watch against the 4 mile marker and see if we were still in line with the course but I somehow hit stop on my watch and didn’t realize it. I ran for a little over a mile without looking at my watch (which is an accomplishment in itself for me that I was just running based on feel for that long, but also frustrating)! When I saw the mile 6 mile marker I realized my watch had been stopped for at least a mile. I was frustrated, but just started it up again and figured I could at least see if I was still on pace-and I was.

The next couple miles I was just running with this same guy, he mentioned he thought we maybe cut off less than 200 meters at that turn based on where the miles we’re hitting but we weren’t sure. I couldn’t trust my watch-such a mess, but we had been consistently hitting pace so I just tried to focus on that.

Near mile 8 we ran into the 5K walkers. There were tons of them and they were taking up the entire path. I tried yelling out “runners!” A couple times and none of them seemed to know what to do. I think we slowed down quite a bit this mile because we were weaving in and around all these walkers for pretty much the entire mile. I was frustrated. I tried yelling a few more times and sometimes they moved over but I ended up running in the grass, on the dirt, etc. I didn’t want to look at my watch because I didn’t want my pace to mess with my head. I took my GU and then a half mile later I grabbed some water at the water station. I stopped quickly and took a couple big gulps and the guy got a little ahead of me because he didn’t stop but I quickly caught back up.

Then we saw mile 9 and Tim and the kids were there cheering for me. I shot Tim a look and he just knew something was wrong but he said at that point I was still perfectly on pace.

We went downhill under a bridge and then right away there was a sign that said 1/2 marathon with cones leading you to the left up the same bridge we had just come down the other side from. He and I kind of stopped and looked at each other and decided this was probably the way to go so we did, and shortly thereafter we saw mile marker 13 and then the finish line. We stopped. He started going back to try to get back on track but I was mad and just done with this race. I went through the finish line and immediately found officials and told them what happened.

In retrospect, I should have turned around with the guy and tried to get back on course. I ended up running into him at the finish later and he still ran on pace and finished in a time I would have been pleased with, despite all the stopping and going back. He said, “you’re super fast, I hope you know that. I ran one of my best times ever and you were helping me.” And this is why I love the running community. Most other runners know what it takes to complete something like that, not just that day, but the months of work leading up to it, and we all want each other to be successful.

I ended up running the full distance of the race afterwards and I went back on the course and saw yet another area where runners were getting confused and didn’t know where to go. And it’s super frustrating for all of them to have that experience.

So I’m disappointed with what happened, but it’s never a total waste. I still ran really hard and I think I could’ve run what I wanted to. There’s no way to know for sure because the last 4 miles of a half marathon are really where the test is, but going off of how I felt at mile 9.5 and how it felt hard but not like I was not going to make it, I think I would’ve been close to my goal.

I still had an adventure and the thing about adventures is that anything can happen. I saw the humanity in another human and that always warms my heart. Tim was so upset for me and I was thankful he brought me to this race and watched the kids and that he was so sad for me. Now I’m going to take some much needed time off of running and try to get caught up on other things and ready for Christmas. Hopefully I’m teaching my kids that life throws curve balls…constantly, but it’s still worthwhile to keep going and run the race well and help out a stranger when you can. We’re all doing our best with the circumstances in front of us.

The race against time

Tonight I did something that I’ve been working on for a long time. I ran a 5K under 19 minutes. It may not seem like such a big deal, but let me give a little more backstory.

Before I had kids, I was experiencing a sort of breakthrough in my running. I was running PR’s in every distance from 5K to marathon. I was also in my 20’s and logging 65 miles a week and cross training on top of that.

Before having kids I assumed I could have it all. These kids would just fit right into our world and we could just keep doing the things we were used to doing.

I laugh at my naivety. Reality hit quickly and I was soon in the thick of parenting. I never stopped running, at least not for too long save when it became uncomfortable during pregnancy or the post partum period or for injuries. Was I running 65 miles a week and cross training on top of it? I laugh again.

Running changed for me from the moment my oldest daughter was born. It wasn’t an easy change. I had honestly been addicted to the long miles, the workouts, the races. It had even been an idol for me, I’m ashamed to admit.

Having kids took me from being on top of my little world, and put me right to the bottom. I learned what sacrificial love was and how to be a servant. It humbled me to the point I barely recognize that woman I used to be. I had little humans who needed me, depended on me. It wasn’t about me anymore.

Parenting is sacrificing so much of yourself for someone else, it’s true, and it changes you in the best ways. Still, it’s not completely giving up on all your passions and dreams. These are part of who you are, and it’s the best parts of ourselves we want to pass down to our children.

So all these years, I ran. Some seasons it was very little miles and only every other day. There were a few races in there, but not many, and none of my performances came close to what I was capable of before. But I was ok with that. I knew my life had different priorities now.

Still, in the back of my mind, I always told myself, “someday”. Someday, the kids will be older and need you less, and you can train like you’re capable of again, and you can still try to get some new PRS.

Then I turned 40 this year and really nothing much changed, it’s just a number. Then summer came and suddenly I’m starting to have some symptoms of pre-menopause and that hit me like a ton of bricks!!

Why? I feel in my heart that our family is complete. I’m enjoying some of the break from the intense physical needs that kids have those first precious years of life when they need you for EVERYTHING. I’m not breastfeeding at all hours of the night, not changing diapers or chasing around a curious toddler. When I take the kids to the pool I actually don’t need to be in the pool with them anymore—I can just sit on the side and watch them. It’s a new freedom, and it’s really nice.

No, it’s no longing in me to have another baby or even just a mourning that that time is in the waning phase. I think it’s more that waning fertility, is really just a telltale sign that you are, actually aging.

It’s not that I didn’t think I would. But honestly, the last decade of my life flew by so fast between having and breastfeeding and parenting 3 babies and toddlers, I was kind of not thinking about it. I spent the entirety of my 30’s being pregnant, breastfeeding and chasing toddlers. I feel better now than I did at 35! “Someday” felt like it was nearing for me.

My youngest started preschool a couple days a week last fall and for the first time in nearly a decade, I had 5 hours a week of kid free time! And I ran. I increased my mileage to 32-35 miles a week and started doing some hard workouts again and I LOVED it!

Then one evening when I was frustrated, I set out to do a workout and I couldn’t slow myself down and so I wanted to just see how fast I could run a 5K and I ran 18:31!! It wasn’t a PR, but it was the fastest 5K I had run in 10 years. So I started to allow myself to hope and to dream again that someday I would maybe be able to run PR’s again.

Then I signed up for a couple 5K’s and ended up not running under 19 minutes and then my knee ended up flaring up and I had to take some time off running and I was so upset with myself that in my stupid desire to chase goals, I deprived myself of something I love to do that is good for me. And I realized I love running now just for running—and I’d rather do it the rest of my life than run another PR and not be able to run again.

Running is play to me. I love the long run the most. I experience “flow” when I’m out there, which is what we use to describe a child that’s wrapped up in play for hours. They are totally immersed in it and the whole world disappears to them. That’s what running, really good running is.

But I still enjoy pushing myself. I still enjoy that feeling I get after workouts that are hard. They test you. Sometimes they break you. But you come back stronger. And isn’t that a metaphor for life?

My kids have seen me run ever since they were babies. They know it’s just something I do. They know I do it because I love it. They see me running in the snow, in the rain, in the wind. They see me fail and they see that I keep trying. I don’t talk about running much with them. I don’t have to. They see me doing it.

My oldest daughter loves running, well, mostly she loves racing when she can win. She is a little frustrated with me because I won’t let her run compete much yet. She’s only 10 and I want her to love running her whole life. That’s a gift I want to give to all of them. And she’s so results driven. If it’s not a PR, if it’s not winning, she has a really hard time. And I completely GET it. I mean, that was me! And I remember the times I wanted to give it up completely because of a string of failures and feeling like I hated it. I want her to enjoy being a kid and help her to see running as something she does, not something that gives her value.

I know my kids well, and my oldest is the perfectionist. The one who gets anxious. She’s sensitive and explosive. She can be hard on others but she’s hardest on herself. I tell her that she has value and is loved no matter what.

My middle child is self described the crazy one in our family. To this day, she’s often the most challenging one to parent. She’s sweet and loving and just needs an outlet for all her energy and I’m hoping running can be that gift to her.

My son is my baby still and has the most easy going personality of the 3 of them. He “goes on runs” because he sees his mama doing it. His face still lights up every time he sees me whether I’m picking him up from school or coming back from a run.

I love the quote, maybe the best thing you do in life is someone you raise.

In church a few years ago our minister talked about finding your life’s work. That one thing that you dedicate your life to doing. You sacrifice your time and energy and money. I realized my life’s work is raising these kids to be loving and kind, God fearing people.

To quote Taylor’s message to me on Mother’s Day this year, “Mom, you’re not perfect, but you’re a good mom.” I hope to forever live up to that good enough parent these kids need me to be.

My oldest told me the other day that one of her friends noticed that she has a real connection with me. These moments show up sometimes at the dinner table without warning. You’re in the midst of all the every day chaos and then your child tells you something that instantly melts your heart. I think about the story of Jesus’s mother Mary, where it said she stored “these things up in her heart”.

I have no regrets. Running is something I do, but it’s not where my value comes from. It’s ok if all my PR’s have already happened. The time I spent, in my 30’s, probably the decade of most vitality, was well worth the time I put in with these kids.

But tonight I put on my running shoes and ran a 5K in 18:43. I’ve been trying to break 19 again since that day last September when it just sort of happened.

I had a hard time slowing myself down the first couple miles—I was ready to go. It felt good to push myself HARD. It was 86 degrees but there was a nice wind when I was running west and then hot sun when I was running east. The last mile was really hard. I wanted to stop before I even got a quarter of a mile into it. That voice in my head, telling me to just stop, I could always try again another day. This wasn’t a race. Just me, a middle aged mom running through the neighborhood, chasing a dream. But I knew, I knew I had banked some time the first two miles and even if I slowed down 20 seconds in this last mile, I could still break 19 minutes. I couldn’t even look at my pace—I didn’t want to get discouraged and stop. I bargained with myself that I could stop at the half mile. That would still be a great workout. I got to the half mile and told myself to get to the next quarter—still a good workout. Then I knew I had to finish. I picked a mailbox up ahead and just ran, feeling like my feet in my shoes were 150 degrees. I looked at my watch for the distance, not the pace, and when I hit 3.1 miles I stopped and waited to see if I had run under 19 minutes. 18:43!!!!

I texted a picture of my time and sent it to my husband, then texted “I’m dead” because I felt like I was. I walked for a couple minutes, then jogged home where we cooked dinner and started our evening routine with the kids. Just another day.

Yet tonight I feel satisfied and happy that I pushed myself and didn’t stop when it got really hard. I’m again feeling hopeful that someday, someday I’ll train more and maybe, just maybe I can set some new after 40 PRs.

The Hard Days

This week we had a couple rough start mornings followed by a rough practice with my daughter’s team I coach where my own daughter kept interrupting when I was trying to keep the girl’s attention. Then I heard from my sitter that my younger daughter had a hard time listening.

We got home, had a family meeting, enacted some consequences and had a much better morning. Then this morning happened.

I had texted my husband last night while he was coaching my daughter’s soccer practice, to get some cash out at the ATM because my oldest needed some tomorrow for school (why oh why are there SO many events in the last 2 months of school?!) and we needed it for various other things coming up, like paying our sitter for the practices I coach to watch my other kids.

Anyway, said daughter who is not supposed to be on phones or devices at all this week was using his phone to practice her songs for her music field trip coming up. So he missed my text, didn’t get cash out and this morning I had to scramble to get it together.

Then I tried sending an email to the parents of the girls I coach and it wasn’t working from my phone, I tried using my computer and it died and the charger apparently no longer is working. I was thoroughly frustrated before 7 am.

My daughter started asking me random irrelevant questions as I’m trying to get everyone out the door and I got very short with her. Then I felt terrible about it.

From talking to other moms, I know for a fact that my experience is not unique to only me. We all have date like this and they tend to make us feel like complete failures.

The truth IS that raising kids today is so much different than it’s ever been before. Some of it, we put on ourselves, for sure, but some of it, is just that our culture is so different too. Technology makes it different. I could probably write a book (if I had the time, ha!) on just how different it is raising kids now than it was when I was a kid.

My point is this. If you are a parent that is trying to raise your kids counter-culturally, it’s going to be very difficult. It’s hard to be involved with your kids and take an active role parenting them. You’re going to slip up and you’re going to mess up. Ultimately though, being involved is what’s important.

I’ve been thinking about running lately and why I love it so much. It’s not always easy to put into words but I’m trying because these girls I coach, I really want to give them the gift of running.

There are days that I am excited to run. The sun is shining and the weather is perfect. Then there are days when the wind chill is -10 and it’s a blizzard. Or the rain is just pouring down and it’s not a warm rain. On these days, I can’t exactly say that it’s easy to get out there. But when I do, when I’m gritting through the elements or fighting off a virus or dealing with sore muscles, or…or…or, any time it’s not all flowers or rainbows, THOSE are the runs that empower me.

It’s not something you can experience in a video game. The feeling of your body, being pounded by the elements and getting through it, one step at a time. The confidence you feel afterwards is invigorating.

It’s the same with faith. It’s usually when we’re in the eye of the storm that our faith blossoms the most, not during times of plenty.

So parents, if you’re struggling and feeling defeated, take heart. Gritting through these difficult times is helping you grow. Putting in the hard work now, digging in, and showing your family that you’re in it, no matter what shows them the depth of your love for them. Keep failing and learning and picking yourself back up.

Are we going too far with our parenting experts?

I had joined a Facebook group that I will not name that originally recruited some of us parents from another Facebook group I was in for adult children of narcissists. I’ve shared in previous blog posts about my severed relationship with my dad, and as I was healing myself, some of these groups were really helpful to me as I learned how to set boundaries.

The parenting group was sort of a spin off to help parents who were raised by a narcissistic parent raise their own children in a healthy way.

One of the things that can happen when you’re raised by a narcissist, is that you can become a narcissist yourself, or, at the very least, have some narcissistic traits that are hard to overcome. Sometimes it’s because when people are triggered (and honestly who triggers you more than your own kids) they default to the behaviors that were done to them and the cycle of dysfunction continues.

As I look back into my early 20’s I can definitely see where I had some narcissistic traits. However, a different manifestation of being raised by narcissists is that you become a people pleaser. You learn to suppress your own feelings, wants and needs to keep the people around you happy. This was more of what I struggled with as I was coming to terms with the fact that I could no longer allow my dad to be a part of my life.

One of the things I realized I was doing, was feeling personally responsible for my kids and my husband’s feelings. If they had feelings that were negative, I felt like I had failed somehow and found myself caught in this cycle of trying to keep everyone in the family happy, all the time.

Some of the things that were extremely helpful to me in my breakthrough were reading the book Boundaries, and also Boundaries in parenting, and also my reading and understanding of Scripture in guiding me how to be a better wife and parent. I learned it’s not my job to make/keep my loved ones happy and comfortable at all times. In fact, I was really doing them all a disservice. It’s completely normal to experience the wide range of human emotions and I was effectively telling my kids it’s not ok to be sad, angry, frustrated, etc and that I couldn’t handle it when they were.

Well the Facebook parenting group that I left today was geared more towards the first type of parents, those who became narcissistic themselves. That’s all fine and good to help those people, but often these “licensed therapists” would just post out of context memes that sent confusing messages to parents and can’t be applied in all situations.

The example of the one that did it for me was that back talk by children is just their way of expressing their feelings and that we should never shame or discourage their sharing their thoughts and feelings with us. Lots of parents were commenting that it was a bit misleading and I agree and also voiced my own opinions about it.

First, there’s the definition of what back talk is and isn’t. I definitely wouldn’t define back talk as a child just expressing their feelings. Tone, and timing play a huge part in the behavior. To me, back talk is like this:

Child: Can you take me to the mall? I really want to go buy this thing.

Parent: Not today. I’ve got to get xx done and start dinner.

Child: (as soon as they hear the ‘no’ interrupts) FINE! You NEVER do anything I want!

It’s them expressing themselves, sure. And I agree that they should be allowed to express themselves and be heard, but the rude way they interrupt and start ripping into you is disrespectful. And it would be disrespectful if I did it to them. It would be disrespectful if I did it to my husband.

So I used an example that I made up, much like this one, where I said that I the parent would say, “Ok, but why the anger? That doesn’t feel good.”

So this therapist told me that by me saying “that doesn’t feel good” I’m making my child responsible for my feelings. I disagreed and she pointed me to a rule in the group that said you can’t argue with admins. Lol.

This is where I think they take it waaay too far. And why a lot of people don’t like “gentle parenting”.

For one thing, I didn’t say in the example, “you made me feel bad.” I specifically kept it more on the action. “The anger in your tone didn’t feel good.” It’s the truth. And if my husband had snapped at me in a similar way, I would be encouraged to tell him my feelings. It didn’t feel good when you yelled at me.” So why can’t we also express our own feelings to our kids? And further, why are therapists encouraging parents to be emotionally abused by their own children? Especially many parents who grew up the way I did, being a people pleaser who have a hard time setting and holding onto boundaries. We’re just supposed to let our children yell at us any time they don’t get their way because they have a right to express themselves?

It’s right to point out to our kids when they are rude. They are entitled to their feelings of frustration when being told no, and they certainly have a right to express their feelings to me when they don’t like a decision I’ve made. But it’s not ok to interrupt or yell at me that I never do anything they want. I’m the one that is supposed to teach them this. It is perfectly fine for me to point out that their response to me was inappropriate. And also to let them know that it doesn’t feel good to be on the receiving end.

This therapist was completely nit picking my response and this is what some of these parents have been conditioned to do. If you spend any time in any mom groups online you’ll see moms, emotionally worn out because their kids are out of control and they feel guilty about not responding to everything in the perfect way.

Are all my interactions with my kid’s perfect? No way, not even close! I’m sure if a therapist followed me around for 24 hours they could probably find a million things I could have done better. But there are also a whole lot of worse ways that parents can respond. A parent that is regulated and calm and asks their child, “why the anger. That didn’t feel good” is preferable to a parent who screams back at their child, “Don’t you dare back talk to me you ungrateful brat!” It’s important to remember that parents are imperfect people who also get tired, overwhelmed, frustrated, etc.

On a good day, I stay completely calm, don’t let my kids emotions or outbursts get to me and am able to respond in a way that strengthens our relationships while also teaching my kids what’s acceptable and what’s not.

Other days, I’m distracted by maybe some stressful news I’ve heard or I’m overwhelmed or overstimulated because my kids have all been cooped up together and have been arguing and screaming for the last couple hours and I’m simply out of patience and I snap at them. This is ok too because I still can strengthen the relationship by apologizing to them for the things I did wrong and being honest about my own shortcomings.

“You asked me a question and I heard the other two kids fighting and I was short with you. I’m sorry. That couldn’t have felt good. I want you to know that I love you and my short response was not because of you but because I was overwhelmed. Could we try that conversation again?”

Your child sees you as not perfect, and able to apologize and that you care enough about them to make it right. And you’re setting an example for how to apologize and take responsibility.

I’m not perfect and I’m never going to be, but most of the time, I think I’m getting things more right than wrong. I pray over my parenting and I’m always trying to learn more and do better, but I’m not going to feel bad about letting my kids know that something they did or said didn’t feel good. And I’m not going to stay in these toxic groups where disagreements with “the experts” is not allowed while they are allowed to pick apart everything that you say. Not helpful.

When tragedy breaks our hearts

I had stayed away from news and social media all day because we were busy getting ready for spring break. It wasn’t until I finally sat down at the end of the evening to quickly check something on Facebook until I saw some posts about Nashville.

When things like this happen I get very quiet within myself. It’s like I have no words, even in my own head. And I pray. And I feel so upset. Upset becomes a physical feeling.

I know that in the aftermath of this tragedy, there will be a whole lot of noise. Politicians will push their politics as the answer and people will get nasty with each other arguing their different views on who’s at fault and what the solution is.

It’s actually quite sickening how the evil that caused the tragedy in the first place, settles into our hearts and enjoys the division and hate it sows among us.

And people will blame God or say it’s evidence of no God, or one who allows such horrible things to happen. Even some true believers may find themselves shaken and asking why oh why this happens.

I don’t have all the answers to life’s big questions but I DO know why this happens. It happens because our world is so, so broken. It was NEVER supposed to be this way.

Back in the Garden, Adam and Eve had everything they wanted and were like children. God only warned them that if they ate the fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, they would surely die.

Think about it. They were naked and unashamed and had no knowledge of good and evil in the Garden. It was safe there. They were as children, being cared for by a loving father.

Then the tempter lied to them and told them they surely would not die, but would be like God. This broke everything. But God still loved them. He made them leave the Garden, because He didn’t want them to live forever in such a cursed, and broken world, and He doesn’t want us to live here forever either.

This world is cursed with the most terrible evil, but it’s not where we live forever. He sent His own Son to die an excruciating death so that we may have everlasting life outside of this broken world.

Why though, would He allow such terrible things to happen to His children? I DON’T know why some people die and others do not. I know I’ve followed many children that have had or have cancer. Many of these families have incredibly strong faith. Some of these children are healed and the families give all glory to God for their healing and other children are healed in Heaven.

I’ve witnessed these families that have had to say goodbye have incredible faith that’s just astounding. Even some of these precious children often showcase incredible faith that many adults do not possess. I don’t know why some are healed and some are not. Nor do I know why Jesus chose Lazarus to bring back to life.

I do know that Jesus, cried out to His Father to take this cup from Him. Yet, Jesus was still obedient to the Father, and succeeded where Adam and Eve had failed, allowing all believers to live in peace with the Father for all of eternity.

I do believe these children are there now. Their families still go through incredible, incredible pain here. My heartbreak is with them. Why must they live the rest of their days here with this pain? I don’t know the answer to that. But I do believe they will see their child again. God says that every tear will be wiped away and I believe it. But they need people to surround them in love, not hate.

When terrible acts happen here, we don’t fight evil with more evil. We fight evil with love. What can we do to put more love into this world? We shouldn’t try to spear people with our words and our opinions. Because it is not flesh that we fight against.

When the noise gets loud over this tragedy around you, don’t add to the evil. When you hear people screaming about why God would allow such terrible things to happen, take them to the cross. Spread truth and life where death and lies live. Pray. Pray for mercy on our nation and our world.

There’s a true story that is not mine to share but someday I need to. It’s too long to put here but I hold that story up in my heart and bring it to mind in times like these. It reminds me that these children are safe. I believe that with my whole heart.

Love and pray for your enemies. When evil tries to knock you off your path, go right back to the cross. Hold Jesus’s sacrifice in your heart and remember Jesus’s words to the thief, “I tell you the truth, today you will be with Me in paradise.”

30 days to go

As I sit here, we’re only 30 days from March first!

January has been so different this year than usual in that we had a ton of snow over Christmas but then didn’t get any more to speak of until this past week.

I kind of thought that would make winter much easier, but around the 3rd week in January, I still felt some of the feelings I usually do around that time. Tiredness, irritability, impatience, insomnia, just kind of a foul mood in general, for no good reason.

So I don’t think it’s so much the snow that makes winter so challenging. I was thankful that I didn’t have to deal with the snow for running purposes and I found myself increasing my mileage and even doing some workouts because, with clear roads, there was no reason not to.

The thing that was really difficult was the lack of sunshine. The vast majority of the days were dark and cloudy and we would go 2 weeks without the sun even peaking out of the clouds for a few minutes. Without snow, the landscape took on a dark tone with bare trees and muddy grounds. On top of that, we had several days of rain.

Several minutes of the sun peaking through on one of my hikes with my son

I signed up for this 1,000 hours outside challenge for the year and I got the kids excited to try some new things like snow tubing and cross country and downhill skiing. We couldn’t do any of that.

We did get outside some and we had some great, muddy hikes and every time during the month that the sun did peek out, I fully enjoyed it.

Now that we have snow again, it’s really brightened the landscape. Even though it’s still not really sunny out, looking at the bright landscape almost mimics the sun and I think it helps our brains to tell the difference between day and night.

It makes running more challenging but I’ve decided to embrace it this winter. Usually, I’m trying to just “get through” my running in the winter. Keep the level of fitness I’m in and then push myself again in the spring. I decided if I’m going to live in Michigan, I shouldn’t just be trying to survive in the winter, I should be enjoying the difference it brings.

I’ve been watching a YouTube vlogger, Jonna Jinton at night lately. She lives in northern Sweden where it is winter half the year! In December they don’t get any daylight, just one hour of twilight each day. She talks about her struggles with embracing winter and she’s done many things to help herself really enjoy it. It’s inspired me to try to find ways to enjoy it too.

So when we had a fresh blanket of snow on the ground last week, I decided to do something different. Usually I’m trying to find clear roads to run on, but that comes with it’s own challenges. The roads that are clear, often have the most traffic and the shoulders don’t get cleared. So every time a car comes along I need to move onto the shoulder which is usually covered in snow and slush. Now with having my dog too, it’s just extra stressful to try to make sure there’s enough room for both of us to stay out of the way of cars.

So I took my dog to a park that has lots of cross country trails. I figured, why fight the snow. I knew my times would be slower, but I didn’t have to always be such a slave to my watch. To my delight, the paved trail they had been building in October was completed!

The paved trail cut through the woods. There was only a couple inches of snow on the ground and not many footprints so it was actually good traction. The woods looked beautiful covered with the bright white snow. The path meandered right next to a large black river. The contrast between the white of the snow and the darkness of the river and trees was just beautiful.

I didn’t even mind climbing up the long hill and the view from the top of the river was just breathtaking. The path now connected 3 parks and I was able to get my 6 miles in there.

I loved that experience so much that I decided to go back and run there for my long run on Saturday morning. We had a bit more snow and there had been quite a bit more foot traffic, so the footing was not as great as it was earlier in the week, but the stunning beauty of it made up for that.

The worst part of my run was actually on the busiest street as car after car drove by us and I struggled to find good footing on the shoulder.

I finished the run, and later took my girls out for a walk in the same woods I was in. The kids found even more interesting things to do like peel little bits of ice off of the wood dense and throw them into the River.

As we enter February, I’m expecting it to be cold and for there to be much more snow. I’m ok with that. Now we are excited to try to plan some of these winter activities. And of course, it’s always so nice to go back home into a warm house after being outdoors. Much like the contrast in the scenery of light snow on dark trees is calming, the contrast of warm and cold also brings comfort and appreciation for both. Sipping on a hot cup of coffee or tea as my fingers gradually warm up makes me feel happy to be alive.

Enjoy the beauty of this season to the fullest!

59 days

January 1, 2023, the start of a new year. Also, the start of the 59 hardest days of the year for me, typically.

I wouldn’t call it depression. That sounds so serious. It’s more just the winter blahs, or seasonal affective disorder or something like that. I don’t get depressed, but it’s usually the time of the year I just feel “off” or “down” for no particular reason. I mean, certainly life events during other times of the year can be harder, it’s just that usually during this time of year, I’ll feel this way, when nothing in particular is really wrong. Things could be going along just fine and I’ll catch myself just irritable or grumpy and lacking motivation.

Then I feel guilty for feeling that way. It’s a vicious cycle set on repeat from January to March. There’s many reasons I think this happens. I live in Michigan and winters can be particularly brutal. But it’s not necessarily the snow or the cold that makes it so tough. I think a lot of it has to do with the lack of sunshine. I have noticed a drastic improvement in my mood on days that are bitter cold but sunny. Besides just the lack of vitamin D in the wintertime, the sunlight is important for triggering hormones that control your sleep/wake cycles. It’s crucial to send your body signals in the daytime that it’s actually day time.

This year, I’ve got a plan to try to keep myself from falling into these winter blah’s, whatever you want to call it.

For one thing, I bought a “happy lamp”. It sounds so silly, but often, even after I’ve opened up all the blinds in our home, the sky is so grey that it doesn’t really light up the house. This lamp sends daylight signals to my brain in the morning that it’s daytime and can help with the sleepiness and low energy we often feel in the winter. I put it on my kitchen counter when I’m making breakfast or doing dishes, etc.

The next thing I’m doing is making it a priority to get outside when there is sunshine. If I see that golden sun outside, I try to get outside as soon as possible. Even if that’s just driving in a car.

Another thing I’m doing is trying to embrace winter. I’ve signed up for a challenge to get 1,000 hours of outside time this year and honestly, I don’t need it in the summer. We practically live outside in the summer. I do need accountability in the winter. The challenge will keep me motivated on hitting small monthly goals.

I’m also trying getting the family into new winter sports. We already love sledding but my kids are getting older now so we can try some more difficult things like skiing and ice skating, winter hikes, etc. I’m reading a new book, Microadventures, and I’m having fun trying to plan some of ours.

I’m also trying to enjoy winter running more. I’m usually always in the mindset to just “grit through” winter running, but I’m really trying hard to push myself to really enjoy it.

On Christmas Eve, it was a crazy snow storm. I knew I needed to do my long run and my very active dog needed to get some exercise too. With the wind chill it was -5 F. I didn’t even know if my dog should be out there! While many dog breeds are built for winter, he has no undercoat and has hardly any body fat to speak of. So, I put a sweater on him, put the mushers secret on the pads of his feet and tried wrapping a scarf around his ears and we drove to a church nearby that has heated pavement.

Rocky looked like a little old lady getting ready to go for our run

Even heated pavement couldn’t keep up with the heavy snow falling down. It wasn’t as bad as the other roads, but there was definitely a couple inches of snow cover that was semi slushy and a little slippery, but it was much better than the alternative. We ran, and it was torturous when I had to clean up his waste by stopping. The wind was whipping at my face and I zipped my running jacket all the way up to my chin.

When we turned, the cold blasted my face, giving me an instant headache. It took me more than 18 minutes to run 2 miles and then my dog Rocky went and stood by the truck, letting me know he’d had enough.

I took him home to get warmed up and I did the remaining 6 miles alone. I listened to a podcast, and then to some music. It wasn’t exactly what I would call enjoyable, but I got through it and was happy to be done and have done it.

Dealing with that kind of weather is not something I look forward to, but it also teaches me a bit about myself and what I’m capable of when I don’t give up. More than a few times, I thought about doing the last few miles on the treadmill but I stuck it out.

It teaches you something to go out against the elements like that and find there’s a limit to what you can do. On a great day, you may be able to easily run 2 minutes a mile faster, but you just can’t do it in these extremes. But you can endure and you can endure longer than you think. And a warm cup of coffee and hot shower are appreciated that much more afterwards.

I’ll try to write more about my winter adventures and hold myself accountable. Enjoy winter and please share your tips with me for defeating the winter blahs.